


The rules of Agent Coulson

by Swallowdale



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, Just a bit of fun, Some weird rules, crackfic, with weird reasons for them
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-03
Updated: 2014-05-04
Packaged: 2018-01-21 19:57:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1562171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swallowdale/pseuds/Swallowdale
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>1)	The first rule of Coulson is not to talk about the rules of Coulson. If one is caught discussing the rules of Coulson they will face the wrath of Coulson. If you do not know the rules of Coulson see Agent Coulson for the rules, but do not ask Agent Coulson about the rules. Good Luck!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This will be being updated as and when I find time. If you have any suggestions for rules comment them and I will consider posting them with my work, crediting the 'author.' Its just a bit of fun really and will hopefully get funnier!

The junior agents handbook: The rules of Coulson.

Please read and memorise the following information with extreme care. Your lives may depend on it or your sanity. It depends whether you break the rules regarding Stark.

1)      The first rule of Coulson is not to talk about the rules of Coulson. If one is caught discussing the rules of Coulson they will face the wrath of Coulson. If you do not know the rules of Coulson see Agent Coulson for the rules, but do not ask Agent Coulson about the rules. Good Luck!

2)      Do not talk about Coulson’s obsession with Captain America, pain will ensue that involves electricity. (Tony found out the hard way. He does however now enjoy supernanny.)

3)      Junior agents are asked not to bother Coulson with questions about the avengers. However original your question seems it is probably not.

4)      Coulson does not allow shipping of any sort.

5)      Coulson does not support incest.

6)      The above has never happened under any circumstances.

7)      Never question Thor about the horse.

8)      Just don’t ask.

9)      Or Drag

10)   It’s a touchy subject and not worth it.

11)   No nicknames for the avengers.

12)   Especially Legolas

13)   Or Thoreal

14)   Yoda is also a bad idea

15)   Tin man will result in a life of hell, courtesy of Tony Stark. Coulson wishes to inform you that this is not a threat, but a severe warning.

16)   And never, ever call anyone a Weasley.

17)   Steve asked Natasha why she was being called that.

18)   Bad things happened. We do not talk about it.

19)   Whilst we’re on the subject of not discussing things…..No one knows what happened in Budapest. Coulson does not know. Asking Barton or Romanoff will most likely result in an arrow to the knee.

20)   Whatever Tony says we do not wear pink on Wednesday’s.

21)   Asking Steve if he understands a reference will result in a physical attack from Coulson. There is no way to prepare for it. And you will never see it coming.

22)   Sloths are forbidden on the helicarrier. For more information on this rule ask Darcy Lewis. But do not mention that you read it in the rules of Coulson, she doesn’t know they exist. It has been assumed that she will try to break, Every. Single. One.

23)   Cats are not allowed on the helicarrier. This involved an incident with Loki. Steve took him in, he was in disguise as a cat. Fury could have lost another eye. No more needs to be said.

24)   There has been an amendment to the above rules regarding pets. If any animals are found on the helicarrier take them straight to the lab. Unless they have green eyes. It may be better to shoot them in this case. Loki has been experimenting with magic. So far Thor has been a Labrador, Clint a monkey and Steve a poodle. Yeah we don’t see the connection with that last one either.

25)   Further updates, if a tiger is found it is Fury. Do not approach, he will be extremely pissed off and will most likely lash out.  Five times in two days, for god sake.

26) Do not ask Fury why he wears the eye patch. Its really just to make him look intimidating.

27) Agent Coulson asks that the above rule is not to be repeated as he will probably die. You will go down with him.

28) We do not sing "We're off to see the wizard" when sent to Fury's office.

29) Yes Steve would have understood that reference.

30) Update on nicknames: 'mad eye' will result in extreme pain.

31) Singing 'the sun will come out tomorrow' to Fury whenever he looks grumpy will not end well.

32) If you hear 'star spangled man' play when Steve enters a room try not to react, he is already embarrassed as it is. The only explanation you need is Loki.

33) Do not engage with Barton if he is in an air vent! I repeat this is very important information! There is a spy game going on between him and Romanoff that you do not want to get involved in. He will not hesitate to take you hostage, we are still missing two age........

34) This is Agent Barton here and I would just like to inform you that the above information is false. I do not take people hostage they volunteer to my cause. If you wish to find me I will be in the vent above Fury's office. Don't tell him. Or I will find you....

35) Or you could volunteer to my cause and hunt down Hawkeye who has helpfully just revealed the location of his hideout. Those agents have been gone for three days now and I don't know what he plans to do with them. At least my ~~hostages~~ agents are fed and watered. ~Agent Romanoff

 


	2. Chapter 2

The rules of Coulson will henceforth be posted on the notice board, other agents may add their own rules. Coulson reserves the right to remove these rules.

* * *

 

 

36) Tony Stark is hereby banned from accessing the internet on the helicarrier. Lets just say he wasn't playing galaga. ~Wishes to remain anonymous

Hi Steve ^ ~Tony 

37) Do not engage in any more spy games or I will fucking murder you! ~Fury

Looks like he found me trap ~Barton

What trap? ~Romanoff

It involved yoghurt ~Fury

 ~~38) The rules are not to be used for conversation or advertisement. ~Coulson~~   Rule changed by majority against, Romanoff, Barton, Fury

38.2) Only sensible conversations are allowed on the board.

Agreed. ~Barton, Romanoff, Fury, Steve

~~I disagree. ~Tony~~

39) If anyone is caught referring to Banner as Yoda one more time they will be kicked out of SHEILD. ~Steve

Oh I smell love...

Piss off Tony ~Bruce

Hey how did you know it was me ~Tony

Who else would it be ~Bruce

 ~~40) Tony is a god and must be treated as such~~  Rule removed by Agent Coulson

 ~~41) Coulson is a nanny and must be treated as one~~ Rule removed by Agent Coulson

 ~~42) Coulson shall been known as the babysitter from this day forth~~  Rule removed by Agent Coulson

 ~~43) Agent Coulson has got to stop removing my rules~~ Rule removed by Agent Coulson

Your an idiot and I stole your supernanny dvd's

44) Tony stark has been banned from writing on the rule board, if anyone has any information regarding my supernanny dvd's please write below. ~Agent Coulson

I saw him stash them in the test tube draw, in the lab. ~Romanoff

Cheers ~Coulson

45) Knives are banned from the conference room ~Fury

What happened ~Steve

Romanoff happened ~Barton

46) Nobody is to teach Thor how to mix chemicals in a lab. It is a VERY bad idea ~Bruce

Yeah looking back it probably wasn't the best plan ~Darcy

47) You cannot ask Steve to show you his star spangled banner. Or if he would like to foundue with you. ~Phil Coulson

I thought your first name was agent? ~Anonymous

48) Do not teach Steve how to mix chemicals either ~Banner

49) The fire alarm is not to be sounded if Steve looks concerned or confused, he will not 'flame on' ~Steve

I'm surprised you understand that reference~ Barton

I'm surprised people think a look like him, i mean his nose is completely different. ~Steve

50) I have been informed that a black cat has been seen on the helicarrier, proceed with extreme caution and shoot without hesitation if seen ~Fury

Loki again?~Bruce

You may not shoot Loki, he be a cat but he is of Asgard ~Thor

He kept on turning you into a Labrador Thor! ~Romanoff

He is adopted ~Thor

WHOEVER HATH HIDETH MY POP TARTS MUST RETURN THEM IMMEDIATELY ~THOR

51) Do not hide Thor's poptars or Coulsons supernanny DVD's or the consequences will be severe ~Jane Foster

What happened ~Barton

Well I can't speak for Coulson but for Thor, picture immensely angry norse god with a lightning hammer set loose on a junior agent ~Jane Foster

In answer to your question Barton, I lost my privileges to the labs. ~Tony

That's a lie he got beat up by Coulson and lost his privileges to the labs. And Tony I thought you were banned from the rule board? ~Romanoff

I am a philanthropist you evil spy and I will not be bullied by a notice board ~Tony

Sounding a little Loki there ~Bruce

Don't insult my intelligence I speak with much more regal tones ~Loki 

* * *

 

Cut to avengers and agents gathered round the rule board.

"Who wrote that last one?" Said Romanoff frowning

"Its gotta be Tony" Said Barton

"Whats me?" He said looking confused

"The 'Loki' notice" Replied Steve

"I didn't do that" He said

A look of alarm appeared on everyones faces.

"Did any of you write this" Shouted Fury

Everone shook their heads

"Shit shit shit, he could do anything if he's onboard he could kill us he could.."

A voice crackled over the intercom  _"Welcome mortals to the games of Coulson. I have found your little rules amusing and will proceed to engage with each and every one of them in the near future. Oh and by the way the helicarrier is in lockdown until I am finished."_

"What the hell?" Said Fury

"Well he seems to be breaking the rules rather than killing us, thats a plus" Said Tony.

"It is not a plus some of the rules are dangerous Stark"

Just then star spangled banner started playing and the screens flickered in to life showing Coulson wearing a Captain America suit and singing the anthem.

"Well that one certainly wasn't"

Fury just facepalmed, it was going to be a long few days. He hoped to god they'd find Loki before he reached rule 45.


	3. Chapter 3

"So it looks like he's doing the rules in order" Said Tony

 _"Wrong stark, that one just amused me"_ Crackled the intercom

Coulson was bright red and blushing, as was Steve.

_"I will do whichever ones I want, but I will probably save the most dangerous for last"_

Steve looked confused, "which ones are dangerous?" Suddenly the fire alarm went off and the sprinkler system activated.

Fury looked extremely pissed off "Steve stop looking confused" He shouted just as 'the sun will come out tomorrow' started playing.

"Fury stop looking pissed off" Mimicked Tony chuckling. Star spangled banner re started and joined Annie's voice, causing a horrible clash and forcing all the agents to cover their ears.

"All avengers my office now"

"We're off to see the wizard" Could be heard playing as well now, the noise was getting deafening.

"For fucks sake just go" Shouted Fury running for the door. When they exited the room all the noise and sprinklers stopped.

"Why did it..?" Said Steve causing the sprinklers to activate again.

"Steve!" Shouted Fury, causing Annie's voice to come over the intercom.

"Everyone just get to Fury's office now" Started Coulson, causing 'We're off to see the wizard' to start playing again as well.

* * *

Ten Minutes later they were filing into Fury's office. Just as Steve stepped into the room 'Star Spangled banner' started.

"I am loosing my shit over this" Growled Fury, and once again Annie started playing.

"For FUCKS SAKE" He screamed shooting the intercom. But the sound continued, apparently that hadn't been where it was coming from.

"OK everybody shut up" Shouted Coulson. "Fury smile"

"What?" He said, glaring at him.

"Rule 31 says that if you look grumpy not to sing that song, so look happy"

"You have got to be"

"HAPPY" shouted Coulson. Fury glared at him once more before forcing a smile onto his face. Annie stopped singing.

"Why did that..." 

"Steve no!" Shouted everyone just as the sprinklers came on

"Steve step outside the door for me please" Coulson said

"Sure sir" he said taking a step outside the office, star spangled man stopped playing. Steve smiled and the sprinklers stopped to.

"Wow that actually worked" Said Romanoff looking surprised.

_"Yes well if you follow the rules nothing can go wrong"_

"Loki may I ask you a question"

_"You may Coulson"_

"Will the rules being used change each day or will you just keep adding to them?"

_"I have not yet decided. But I do rather like Annie"_

"You son of a.." Fury started, setting Annie off.

"SMILE SIR" Shouted Coulson, he did, and the music stopped.

"Another question if you would?"

_"Of course Agent"_

"Do the effects occur only in the room the person is in, or all over the helicarrier?"

_"Oh only in the room for the most part, I may be evil but I am methodical."_

Just then a Labrador trotted into the room. "What the?" Said Steve setting the sprinklers off. 

'We're off to see the wizard' could be heard playing in the distance. Hill came tearing around the corner.

"Sir we have a situation and why are you smiling?" Said Hill

"Because if I stop fucking smiling Annie will start playing" Fury said through gritted teeth, the room blacked out.

"Is that to do with the situation Hill?"

"It wasn't sir" She said, confused.

_"Oh I forgot to add, I will create a rule for each day. Today's rule is whichever room Fury swears in loses power. It seems you will have to relocate"_

"When I get hold of you" Annie started playing

"Fury have you stopped smiling" Said coulson

"How can he even see its dark" protested Fury

 _"I do not require light to see"_ Could be heard echoing around the room. 

"CAT" shouted Romanoff, spotting a pair of green eyes in the corner. She shot at it and it ran away hissing.

_"For that Thor gets to stay a dog for an extra day"_

"Wait Thor was the dog?" Said Steve and of course...

"Steve stop looking confused", said Barton covering his ears.

"That's the situation sir" Cut in Hill. "Thor's a dog and there are sloth's covering the control deck."

Annie started playing again, one could only assume Fury had stopped smiling again. 

 

 


End file.
